I'm rather bored. The computer screen is hurting my eyes and there's nothing to do.

I must find someone, something to replace her spot in my broken heart before I can't take it any more. This is one of the first times I've broken down like this since it happened, since I lost my super-hero. It's kind of hard to breathe, especially when I look over all the things she said about me when we fell apart. I'm sorry again, and I know you hate me. I know you must. After all, my face is made of rotten cheese, right?
God, I feel like dying.

I gave up so much. So much. I'm listening to a song by Owl City and it's making me think. I see her everyday, and it hurts every time I look at her and we exchange fake smiles. I know they're fake because I know she hates me, and it hurts so bad. I gave up everything for one person, and I don't know if it was worth it. She was my best friend, she was my big sister, she was my hero. We saved each other in a way, she kept getting over him, and I kept falling for him. I miss the way we were like the Three Musketeers. I miss the way we had a future. I miss the way we all slept in one bed at her house. I miss doing our make-up on the floor in front of her mirror. I miss the way we straightened his hair and made him look fantastic. I miss the way he used to make my heart flutter, I miss the way he used to fall asleep on the bed watching a movie with us and wrap his arm around me. I love the way neither of us was tied down. Believe it or not I miss being jealous of her. I miss sitting next to her under the tree at lunch. I miss holding hands walking through downtown Brunswick. She was the epitome of everything I wanted in a best friend and it all fell apart in one day. Was it worth it? Everything this new boy has put me through, was it worth losing the one person that saved me? Sometimes I lie to this new boy and tell him he saved me, but I know it's not true. This girl saved me. This girl was my best friend. We were superheroes, saving each other every day. I miss Seattle, Gabby.

I do not feel very well today.
I talked to the nurse at school, and I called my mom.
I took some pills and went back to class, hoping i feel better..
I don't..
fucking..
goddamn, kill myself.

















I miss my babyyyyy.

I've recently discovered my new best friend, in the form of a little white pill with the star of david on the top. Ecstasy makes everything better, everything. I'd heard before that you should never have sex while you're on ecstasy, because (rumor has it) you'll never want sex ever again because it was so good. well, it's not like that. yeah, it's the most amazing sex you'll ever have in your life, but you'll want to have sex even when you're not ecstasy.

Have you ever seen that episode of family guy where peter has a flashback to the time he did ecstasy? He just starts touching things and moaning, and eventually he slides to the floor and pulls his clothes off and rolls around because everything feels so soft and wonderful. Well, it's totally like that.

Unfortunately, it messes with your brain stem and the serotonin in your brain. Not to worry, turkey helps with the process of your brain producing more serotonin: "In the central nervous system, serotonin is believed to play an important role as a neurotransmitter, in the modulation of anger, aggression, body temperature, mood, sleep, sexuality, and appetite as well as stimulating vomiting." (Thank you Wikipedia.)

Oh, and when you get sick, you don't really care. You just stare at your throw-up and wrinkle your nose and say "gross." and puke again.

It seems I've rejected your sense of reality and substituted one of my own.

Happy Birthday.
I tried to find you at school, but I couldn't. I can never find people when I look for them.

I do not like this literature project that I'm doing.
It bothers me.

it's rather hypocritical of you to say "if it's meant to be it will work." and then say "no you can't see each other." you're hindering my happiness, and i won't stand it.

no me gusta español.

i also would like to know how long it will take for us.

yay free cigarettes.
but i have to wait...like, three hours.
;kgfd;adjglsd

oh well.
maybe things will go well, and maybe we can actually talk.

"i love you i love you i love you."

that's better(:

I'm in love with hating myself right now.
Does that make any sense?

We had a movie moment last night.
It was cute, and made my heart flutter.
We were on the phone, and you were falling asleep, and I said "Baby you need to go to sleep." and you said "I know baby.." and drifted off again, so I said "Turn off the tv and go to bed, goodnight."
"Goodnight."
A few minutes passed.
"You're still on the phone aren't you?"
And I giggled, "Yeah, I am."
And there was another pause, and then you woke up a little: "I love you."
I didn't know if you wanted me to say it, I said, and you said "I did. I took the intiative." And I could tell you smiled. And then we still wouldn't hang up, so we had to count to three, but you still hung up first.
Maybe there is hope after all?
I mean,
you said you love me, and you want to be together. Maybe we just needed a little break, I hope that break doesn't last too long..

I really think it's very doubtful that we'll get back together.
I cried for hours about it yesterday, after I got home, when I was waiting for you to call me, you never did. You said you would, you never did.
I like my mattress more now than ever, because when I sleep I don't have to remember that I'm the one that fucked up this time. I'm the one that ended us, but I'm still the one that's hurting. You said give it until Saturday, well, it's Sunday. And you still don't know do you? You say it's because of how we fight, but I think I know better, you like that girl don't you? You spent the night at her house the day we broke up. You left work early to go to a party with her on Friday. Maybe you don't like her. Maybe it is because of the fighting, but did you know that it's been a year since I fell in love with you? A whole year.
You give good hugs, you know that? You give the kind of hugs that make people feel like they matter to you. I wanted a hug yesterday, you threw your arms open and pulled me in. Pulled me into your arms, pulled me into you. I sort of fell. I fell into your arms, your hug, I fell in to you, like I did exactly one year ago, when you took my black shoes with the pink stars, and put them on your feet, stretched them out. I got angry at you, and hit you with my other shoe, but you took that one too. And then I fell off the curb, and you caught me, and gave me a hug. And I fell into your arms, into your hug, and into you.
And if you just want to ends things forever, right here, right now, all I ask is that you kiss me once, like you did when you were mine and I was yours, and hold me like I'm the only girl that matters, even if you're thinking about her.
This isn't finished, I don't know where to stop, I don't know where to begin, either. But I guess I'll leave it here. We always do that, we never tie up the loose ends, never have, never will. Because if we tie up the loose ends, there's no hope for anything in the future. And maybe, just maybe, you'll go a week without me, and want me back. Maybe you'll say, the day before your birthday "Catherine, baby, I miss you. I need my girlfriend back."

Keep lying to me, it will only dig you in deeper.
I should be sick of you, very, very sick of you, for the way you toss me about like a ragdoll.
But the way you toss me about like a ragdoll, makes me want you, makes me need you.
We all know you're lying.
I know you won't call me back.
But somehow I have hope. Just a little bit of hope, that you want me. Want us, again, now, forever. Like you said. You said forever, it was like our word, forever. I should have known better, since you said forever, that forever is a temporary thing.
You have to make me believe that you want this.
I might make you go through a test, tell me everything you did last night, even though I already know. And if you lie about it, I'll call you out. Again. I want you to want me, want this, want us, again.
I didn't want you to be friends with her because she makes you such an asshole. Before you two were friends, you didn't lie to me about stupid things, but now you're lying to everyone, and when you get caught, you lie more to get out of those lies.

Oddly enough I still love you, still want you, still need you, still cry for you. I'm doing it now, I'll do it for a long time. And as much as I want to say "I'm done with you this time." I know I'll be waiting for you forever. It was our word: forever.
I should have known better, since you said forever, that forever is a temporary thing.

oh, i could get the flu!
sweet!

so technically i'm single again, i guess, for now.
uhm, i don't like it.





oh, this song helps me feel better.
Here I am, laid bare at the end of my rope.
I've lost all hope So long
Molly Connelly just broke up with me over the revealing nature of the songs.
You goddamn kids had best be gracious with the merch money you spend
because for you I won't ever have rough sex with Molly Connelly again.

Here I am, laid down at the end of my rope, wishing I had not been born.
Now I've spewed too much. I can never shut it up.
I thought you should be warned and I Implied black sky took the needle to my eye and sucked out all its glow.
Ohh Ohh! Molly Connelly ruined my life,
I thought the world should know.
Ohh!

I can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
I can't figure out just what I did wrong.
I'll kill myself thinking about the things that you did to me,
Molly Connelly.

Can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
Just can't figure out just what I did wrong.
Kill myself thinking about, things that you did to me,
Molly, Connelly,

Can't stop thinkin' bout
Just can't figure her out.
Kill myself thinking 'bout,
My Molly, Connelly.

Can't stop thinkin 'bout
(I can't stop thinkin' 'bout it)
Just can't figure out
(I won't stop thinking 'bout it)
Kill myself thinking 'bout
(I'll kill myself! I'll kill myself! I'll kill myself!)
Molly Connelly

strep throat is lovely, by the way.

go fuck yourself:)
i hate you with everything I have, that's never going to change, no matter how many smiles I paint on my face in front of mutual friends. I don't care how long it took you to get to that point where you feel comfortable in public, you're ugly. you always ahve been, you always will be. nothing will ever change the way i feel about you, and i just hope that i'm wrong about what's going through your head right now. you're absolutely disgusting, you know who you are to me. oh, if only i was mrs lovett; i doubt you'd make a fine pie though, for shame. if only homicide was acceptable these days, it's a wonder it isn't, with what else this society finds to be acceptable.

you disgust me.

p.s.
i don't think i'm wrong, but guess what?
your object of affection couldn't care less about you.
hope that does you well.

"go ahead and cry yourself to sleep, and think how you hate me so bad."

I've always wondered what it'd be like to be a heroin addict.